


A Different Way

by Robot_Face



Category: Homestuck
Genre: (It will be more than implied in later chapters), (assuming I write them), Alternate Epilogue (Homestuck), Dirk is okay, Discussion of Davekat, Gen, Nonbinary Calliope, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Not exactly post-epilogues but read them first, Retcon Powers, The Homestuck Epilogues, Time Travel, Trans John Egbert, discussion of suicide, nonbinary characters - Freeform, pesterlogs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-05-28 09:44:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 6,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19391533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robot_Face/pseuds/Robot_Face
Summary: While John is preparing the group of kids to go fight Lord English, something Rose says (or doesn't say?) causes the timeline to go differently.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction! I hope you enjoy it!

You, John Egbert, stand around aimlessly in your old backyard, giving the teenage versions of some of your closest friends one last chance to catch up with each other. It’s a little bit awkward, but eventually you have to clear your throat and speak.

Young Rose beats you to it, though:

ROSE: Adult John -

She, too, is interrupted. An instantaneous flash of light, and there you are, standing in front of yourself.

(JOHN 2): hey, other john.  
JOHN 1: what? what’s this about?  
JADE: (wait, two johns?)  
(JOHN 2): uh, just a heads up.  
JOHN 1: for what???  
(JOHN 2): this.

The other John, before you can react, leaps at you and tackles you to the ground. Moments later, a hammer flies through the air, just where your head would have been.

(JOHN 3): john egbert, you are not going to fucking do this!!!  
(JOHN 2): dude, chill out! you almost knocked him unconscious.  
(JOHN 3): oh.  
(JOHN 3): yeah, the hammer was a bit much, now that i think about it.  
JOHN 1: can one of you please tell me what’s going on?  
(JOHN 3): you almost let kid rose talk you into bailing on rose’s plan! that’s not cool man!  
(JOHN 4): EVERYBODY CALM DOWN!  
ROXY: (looks like more than 2 lmaoo)  
(JOHN 2): dude, why are you even here?  
(JOHN 4): trust me, if i didn’t zap in and do that, everything was going to go to shit.  
DAVE: what the fuck john  
DAVE: remember when you told me your life WASNT an eternity of you fucking up your timeline like this  
DAVE: i am having a hard time believing that right now  
JOHN 1: dave, i swear this is not what it’s like!  
DAVE: bullshit  
DAVE: this happens every time you wake up and cant decide what to have for breakfast  
DAVE: just an endless pile of shitty john retcon clones that doesnt stop from getting taller  
(JOHN 3): okay, we’re getting off track. the whole point of this was to make sure john actually goes through with this.  
ROSE: So what you’re saying is, something I said made John not want to do this?  
(JOHN 3): yes.  
ROSE: But then he changed his mind back, so he zapped back to now, becoming you, in order to stop him from changing his mind in the first place.  
(JOHN 3): yes.  
ROSE: So, if you changed your mind, then changed it back, what’s the problem? Why not just go on with the plan like you would have otherwise, no retcons involved?  
(JOHN 2): ...  
(JOHN 4): ...  
(JOHN 3): ...i didn’t think of that.  
DAVE: dude holy shit  
DAVE: youve got to get your shit together if youre doing stuff like this

Your dad's kitchen timer goes off in his study.

JOHN 1: dave...  
JOHN 1: you're right.  
JOHN 1: i'm getting my shit together now. i'm putting my foot down. it's time to go.  
JOHN 1: yeah. that's right.  
JOHN 1: uh, other johns...?  
(JOHN 2): do you, uh, do you want us to come with you?  
JOHN 1: i mean, only if you want... sure...  
ROSE: It would be fine if they returned to your "Earth C."  
JOHN 1: yeah. ok. you're right.

All the other Johns nod in vague agreement, then retcon themselves back to where they came from. You prepare the group of teens.

JOHN 1: i’ve never zapped this many people before so let’s all just...  
JOHN 1: uh, hold hands, maybe? in a circle, i mean. that should work.  
DIRK: God, this is so lame.  
JADE: its not lame its perfect!!!  
DIRK: Nah.  
JOHN 1: shh!  
JOHN 1: alright. is everyone ready, then?

Only Jade says yes enthusiastically. Everyone else takes a deep breath and looks around at each other. Hands are taken, some tentatively, some firmly. When all sweaty teenage palms are correctly clasped, you place your own hand on Jade’s shoulder and concentrate on where you need to go.

Then you zap away.

# > ==>


	2. Chapter 2

## > Zap to your destination.

Where the hell are you?

DAVE: where the hell are we  
DAVE: i cant see shit  
JADE: shhh!  


It’s dark. Not like “someone turned out the lights out” dark. More like “someone destroyed the concept of light at its very source” dark. It’s a darkness that fills up your skull. Jake puts this more eloquently:

JAKE: By golly it is indeed dark as fuck.  
JADE: there!  


Jade points out, beneath you, what everyone else has failed to notice. Or at least failed to point out to everyone else.

ROXY: is that... us???  


It certainly appears to be. 

DAVE: john is this more retcon bullshit  
JOHN: i... don’t know???  


Regardless, it looks like a little bit farther down from where you zapped in, there’s the exact group that you’ve just transported. There’s also a young Lord English, all the way down on the ground.

JOHN: i, uh...  
JOHN: think maybe we don’t have to worry about taking on lord english, after all???  
JOHN: this is stupid.  
DAVE: so do we go get to chill on your future already-won-the-game earth or what  
JOHN: look, i don’t know!  
JOHN: yeah, i’ll take us back there and go ask rose about it, i guess...  


# > ==>


	3. Chapter 3

## > Take them home.

You arrive in your room at home on Earth C. And so do the three retcon clones, apparently. It’s a pretty crowded bedroom that the eleven of you stand in today. 

Rose looks at you.

ROSE: So, John, what do you want to do now?  
JOHN 1: i’m going to go ask adult you what to do.  
JOHN 1: you three other johns, um…  
JOHN 4: why are you even back here?  
JOHN 1: look, it’s all accounted for, okay? lord english is being fought. don’t shit your pants about it.  
JOHN 3: he's not shitting his pants. it just really, really doesn’t look "all accounted for".  
JOHN 2: dude, just trust him!!!  
JOHN 1: yeah, just trust me! i'm the one who actually knows what's going on here.  
DIRK: Yes, that's why you're immediately leaving to ask someone else what's going on here.  
JOHNS 1-4: shut up, kid dirk!  
DAVE: dude this is just like karkats hell-chats he makes for himself but boring because youre not actually angry  
DAVE: its just  
DAVE: limp disagreement  
DAVE: right so do you have anything for us to do while you go ask rose or  
JOHN 1: i'll, uh, let other johns figure that out. young rose, you can come see adult you if you want.   
ROSE: Okay.  


Just as you leave the room with Rose, it strikes you just how bad an idea it might be to take her to see herself in such an awful state. Too late now, you think. You can't tell her she's coming to see her future self just to tear that away from her seconds later.

> ==>


	4. Chapter 4

## > JOHNS: Figure out what to do with the kids.

There's a moment of silence as the three Johns rack their brains trying to think of something. You can tell they all get the same idea at just about the same time.

JOHN 4: we, uh, could take all of you to see your older selves as well. if you want, i mean.

There's another wave of silence, then a bunch of shrugs and indifferent nods from the kids. For such close friends, they sure don't have a lot of chemistry when they're all in a room together. It really seems like groups of two or three work best for them.

The eldest John again speaks up, having managed to complete a simple chart in his head before the other ones.

JOHN 4: so, there's three of us, and six of them. so, like, we could each take two kids?

Yes, that seems like a good idea. It seems that whatever additional minutes the fourth-appearing John had in his lifetime have really helped him, at least in the realm of formulating things to say out loud ever so slightly faster.

Nevertheless, another contemplative silence sweeps over the room. Of his six friends, with whom is he the most comfortable dropping off a younger counterpart unsupervised, while he takes the second respective child to their own elder self? This time, a different John speaks up first.

JOHN 2: i'll take jane and roxy.  
JOHN 3: okay, i'll take dirk and jake.  
JOHN 4: i guess that means i'm with dave and jade. that's easy.  


And so they all leave. Does John think to text his friends before dropping these bombshells on them? No, of course not. But that's really just par for the course.


	5. Chapter 5

## >John: Take Jane and Roxy to see their adult selves.

There's a reason you decided on these two so quickly. As one person, you can only supervise children that are in one location, so that means you're going to have to drop one of them off. Of all your friends, Jane was the first one you thought of when trying to come up with a good adult role model. Perhaps because she's sort of the same person as your Nanna? There's basically no way she could fuck up raising a child, you think to yourself. You'd trust her with a kid under any circumstances. Besides, this is just for an hour or so.

On the other hand, Roxy... Well, see, you feel a little guilty thinking this, but.. it's sort of the elephant in the room here. She was an alcoholic, right? She might be a bad influence on her younger self. Or, wait, her younger self is an alcoholic, and her ADULT self has been more or less sober this whole time, right? Maybe she could be a good influence? You can't fucking keep track of this. Anyways, no matter what you tell yourself, you just can't shake this feeling. You definitely ought to be present, just to see. If it's going well, you can take a step back, just let the two connect. Or, uh, catch up. Well, you're not really sure what your goal is with this, really.

\-------

## >John: Take Dirk and Jake to see their adult selves.

Dirk and Jake. Dirk and Jake. Why did you volunteer for the two of them? Things have always been more than a little bit awkward relationship-wise with the two of them, and walking with the two sweaty, hormonal teen versions of them sort of takes that aura the two emanate when in close proximity and turns it up three to five notches. Nobody's talking. God, you wish someone would talk, but you know if anybody did, it would just make things fifteen times worse.

You finally reach Dirk's door. You lift your knuckles, prepare to knock, but you think again. Looking at Dirk, you take a step back (leading Jake with you) and let him do it. It really seems... wrong to have any part in the interaction between these two. You can't help but watch, though, as you're waiting at the elevator nearby.

Dirk's door slowly opens, and he steps out. He's visibly trembling. Jesus, is he okay? He and young Dirk make eye contact (as well as they can, through those shades) for a long time. Finally, the older Dirk embraces the younger in a deep hug. Whatever the fuck's going on with him, you guess you've arrived at the exact right time.

...

...The elevator has come and gone and you missed it. You need to press the button again, idiot.

\-------

## >John: Take Dave and Jade to see their adult selves.

Well, there's no really telling where Jade is going to be, so you just take them both to Dave and Karkat's place and hope for the best. Hopefully if the other Johns run into her they'll think to send her your way? Yeah, no, that doesn't sound like something you'd do, unfortunately.

You enter the house (hive?) and greet your best pal in the world.

JOHN: hi dave!  
DAVE: hi john and  
DAVE: john what the fuck  
DAVE: is that me  
JOHN: it-  
(DAVE): yeah bro  
DAVE: and jade  
DAVE: why are they kids  
(JADE): hi dave!!!  
KARKAT: EGBERT WHAT THE FUCK?  
DAVE: thats what i just said  
KARKAT: WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN FUCKING MONTHS.  
DAVE: well its not like we contact our friends much either dude i was more concerned with  
KARKAT: OH YEAH AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOUR DAVE AND JADE BUT SMALLER?  
JOHN: well, i-  
(DAVE): he time travels now  
DAVE: yeah i fucking knew that already  
JOHN: he already knows about my retcon powers, dave.  
JOHN: i mean, young dave.  
DAVE: im not asking how you got them here dude just  
DAVE: why  
(DAVE): theres four of them now too  
DAVE: four what  
(DAVE): johns  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
DAVE: john i fucking knew it  
DAVE: i KNEW you would just snap with those powers one day  
DAVE: what other ridiculous shit did you do to the world  
DAVE: if i go outside right now what the fuck am i going to see  
KARKAT: YEAH RIGHT.  
KARKAT: LIKE YOU GO OUTSIDE OFTEN ENOUGH YOU'D ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO TELL HOW MUCH HE CHANGED AND HOW MUCH IS JUST TIME PASSING.  
DAVE: fair  
(DAVE): oh shit  
(DAVE): you let karkat roast you now  
DAVE: uh  
DAVE: hey john whyd you bring him here again  
JOHN: well i thought you'd like to talk, maybe! or he would!  
DAVE: john you know i hate talking to alt selves  
DAVE: i did back then too  
DAVE: this is not new information  
JOHN: look, dave, i thought it could be good for him!  
JOHN: there's nothing you wished an older you had gone back and explained to you back then?  
JOHN: like "hey young me! here's what all these feelings mean! here's why you feel this way! here's why you can't imagine yourself in the future and how you can be happy when you grow up!"  
DAVE: well

Dave looks at Karkat for a second, then back at John.

DAVE: no  
JOHN: not even, like, puberty stuff?  
KARKAT: LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR DISGUSTING HUMAN PUBERTY.  
DAVE: i think i had all my puberty stuff figured out back then dude  
JOHN: right. then uh, i guess we can leave.  
DAVE: i guess you can

Awkward silence. Young Dave leads the way out of the house. You follow after him, and then young Jade follows you.

(DAVE): man that was bullshit  
JOHN: what do you mean?  
(DAVE): i mean im so obviously in fucking denial  
(DAVE): like i mean pot kettle black and all that  
(DAVE): but literally walking in there and seeing me and karkat like that instantly like slapped me across the face like  
(DAVE): dude  
(DAVE): you totally got off that meteor and just never admitted you loved him for the next ten years  
JOHN: are you talking to me???  
(DAVE): no dude this is me talking to myself  
JOHN: oh!  
JOHN: uh...  
JOHN: so _you_ are gay is what you're saying?  
(DAVE): i fucking guess so  
(DAVE): yeah  
(DAVE): yeah this is me fucking coming out  
(DAVE): and on my older selfs behalf too i guess  
(DAVE): dude needs to see himself in the fucking third person is what he needs  
(DAVE): god that was so embarrassing

You nod in agreement, even though you don't really understand.


	6. Chapter 6

##  >Be Dirk.

You're Dirk.

As soon as you saw your older self, you knew something was wrong. You sort of slightly craned your neck to get a better look inside the room without being too conspicuous about it, to better gauge what exactly was going on. No real clues there, at least within immediate sight.

But then you hugged yourself. That immediately told you everything you needed to know.

You two stayed like that until John finally figured out how to use the elevator, then you let yourself go. Still neither of you spoke, until finally:

DIRK: We need to find Arquiusprite.  
(DIRK): Okay.  
(DIRK): Quick qustion.  
DIRK: Shoot.  
(DIRK): Why the fuck do we need Arquius?  
DIRK: Well, there are a few reasons. It's primarily for his powers.  
(DIRK): He's strong?  
DIRK: Void.  
(DIRK): Oh.  
(DIRK): Why not Roxy?  
DIRK: She'll do temporarily. But it eventually needs to be one of us.  
(DIRK): A splinter?  
DIRK: More or less.  
(DIRK): Does he even count as a splinter anymore?  
DIRK: Well, that's the third reason.  
(DIRK): Oh?  
DIRK: That he's not us. Separated enough that he's safe.  
(DIRK): Safe from what?  
DIRK: Being us.  
(DIRK): Ah. 

And just like that, you understand.

(DIRK): So what do we do?  
DIRK: Pendant?  
(DIRK): Don't have mine on me.  
DIRK: I gave mine to him when we entered Earth C. He could be anywhere.  
(DIRK): So we go on a wild goose chase to find him?  
DIRK: We go to John, to get him out of canon like he got you.  
(DIRK): Okay, which John?  
DIRK: There's more than one?  
(DIRK): Yeah, there's four of him. And young versions of Roxy, Jane, Jake, Dave, and the other three.  
DIRK: Oh.  
DIRK: I thought-  
DIRK: I thought he had just gotten you.  
DIRK: To, uh, stop me...  
DIRK: You know.  
(DIRK): Yeah. No, this was all completely accidental on his part. 

You stand up straight.

DIRK: Which John first?  
(DIRK): The one that dropped me off went to take Jake to himself.  
DIRK: He'll be the easiest to convince. Where are our backup plans?  
(DIRK): There's one at Roxy's, I think, though he might have gone to Jane's.  
DIRK: Roxy's. We'll head there to pick up a temporary Void player.  
(DIRK): Thought so. There's one who went to see either our brother or that dog girl?  
DIRK: They live in the same place. That's easy.  
(DIRK): Really?  
DIRK: Last one?  
(DIRK): Roxy's mom.  
DIRK: Rose. Of course.  
DIRK: Let's make that a last resort.


	7. Chapter 7

Dirk and (Dirk) fly up to Roxy's place and knock on the door. After a little bit, it opens, and Roxy's behind it.

DIRK: Roxy-  
ROXY: dirk! just the man we need  
ROXY: would u mind giving a little summary of ur trans experience?  
DIRK: Uh.  
DIRK: What?

John, Calliope, and young Roxy are all sitting at a table, staring at Dirk.

DIRK: That's a hell of a question to ask out of nowhere.

Callie gets up and leaves the room, then comes back carrying two more chairs. Why the hell do Roxy and Calliope have so many chairs in their house?

CALLIOPE: sit down! ^u^

The two Dirks sit down at the space alien skeleton's behest.

DIRK: OK. Extremely abbreviated summary: Nobody was around on the island I grew up on to tell me I had to be a girl, which turned out to be a good thing, because I'm not one.  
JOHN: wait... let me get this straight...

John looks like he's trying to do a math problem in his head.

JOHN: so... you're saying...  
JOHN: so dirk is a trans gender man, which means he was, um...   
JOHN: assigned... female?  
ROXY: well

Dirk recognizes that the question, although well-intentioned, is transphobic. He also notes John's use of the third person, directing the question towards adult Roxy rather than towards him. Does he feel like he's being quizzed? Why is Roxy considered to be the expert in this situation? Anyways, it's more than a little rude, and Dirk isn't having it. He speaks before Roxy can say anything.

DIRK: I wasn't assigned ANYTHING, at birth or otherwise, since I came from a meteor and grew up on an island.  
DIRK: So I can't speak to "the trans experience."  
DIRK: But to speak a little bit to it, I hear it's super fucking impolite to pry about someone's "assigned gender."  
DIRK: I mean, I don't mind, of course. I was only correcting you because your statement was false. But just as a word of advice, if you go out into the world saying things like that in this day and age, you're going to offend some people.  
ROXY: dirk  
DIRK: Which is a BAD thing. Offending people is a BAD thing.

Roxy clears their throat.

ROXY: we only wanted UR experience we didnt expect u to make any sweeping statements dirk  
ROXY: neways none of us exactly have the typical trans experience lol  
DIRK: "Us"?  
ROXY: O YEAH  
ROXY: hey dirk callie n me r nonbinary  
DIRK: Uh...  
DIRK: Wow. Okay.  
DIRK: That IS one of the big context clues I felt like I was missing here.  
DIRK: But I still don't get exactly why we're all sitting in a circle teaching John all about this?  
ROXY: well its mostly sorta for the benefit of lil me who had some questions  
ROXY: johns just keepin an eye on her because uh  
ROXY: im not sure tbh?  
JOHN: hm? oh, well, all these younger versions of you guys are sort of my responsibility.  
ROXY: yeah but why are u here specifically and not at like jakes or janes?   
JOHN: well, i'm only able to be one place at once!  
(DIRK): Only four, you mean.  
JOHN: well, actually now that you mention it, with my retcon powers it COULD be all seven...

Please, no.

JOHN: but whenever i use them too much it gets a little confusing.  
JOHN: as you're aware.  
ROXY: yeah i bet lol  
ROXY: honestly john you can stay if u like but u cant expect all of us to keep taking time explaining everything to you  
DIRK: Speaking of taking up time, I don't know how you got me off-track so quickly.  
DIRK: I need one of the Roxies to come with me, now.  
ROXY: uh, rude?  
ROXY: were in the middle of something  
DIRK: I know. I promise you, it can wait.  
DIRK: I need access to void powers.  
CALLIOPE: dirk.  
CALLIOPE: please don't take this the wrong way, bUt...  
CALLIOPE: fUck off!  
DIRK: Okay.  
DIRK: John, come with me.

John gives a surprisingly insincere look to indicate that he's definitely super grateful that Dirk would invite him but he's also definitely super not going anywhere.

DIRK: Fine. Rose's John it is.  
JOHN: (Haha, it sounds like you're talking about her toilet.)


	8. Chapter 8

Dirk creeps into Rose's house, only to find John sitting alone on a couch.

DIRK: John!  
DIRK: Thank goodness you're alone.  
JOHN: yeah, rose is in the other room talking to herself.  
JOHN: i wish i knew what she was up to.  
JOHN: i mean, the two of them.  
DIRK: Trust me, you're better off not knowing. Let's go.  
ROSE: In a hurry, Dirk?

Dirk whips around in an instant. It's actually the young Rose standing behind him.

DIRK: You!  
(ROSE): Yes?.  
DIRK: Do you have any idea how dangerous this is? What you're doing?  
(ROSE): I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.  
DIRK: What if he finds us?  
(ROSE): Who?  
(ROSE): You mean, if you find us?  
ROSE: I can assure you, there's no chance of that.

The grown-up Rose has stepped into the room. She's standing up straight, unhindered by her sickness at all.

DIRK: What... What did she do to you?  
ROSE: What do you mean, Dirk?  
DIRK: You're...  
ROSE: I'm what? Doing perfectly fine? What, would you rather have me in agony, so you can keep me in a robot?  
DIRK: You can't be serious. You know we're not literally the same person.  
ROSE: Of course.

Rose smiles. She knows he's not his ultimate self, and even if he was, she'd hold no ill will towards him. It's just rare that you get the chance to poke at a Strider's insecurities and see the impact so directly.

JOHN: ok, what the hell is going on? why are you two glaring at each other like that?  
JOHN: i mean, you three. why do i keep saying that? it's like my subconscious can't keep you separate from your other self, rose.  
JOHN: just so you know, you both- you all are giving off a really weird vibe.  
DIRK: John, neither of those are the rose you know. The young one was actually her ultimate self in disguise, and you unwittingly brought her into our universe. And now she's assimilated the adult one.  
JOHN: *gasp!*  
ROSE: Wrong again, Dirk. Or at least, not quite right.

Rose holds out her hand, removing something from her sylladex. It's round and white, about the size of a grapefruit.

ROSE: Tell me, what do you see?  
DIRK: Nothing. A cue ball. You know I can't see into it.  
ROSE: Correct. While you do have a special link to it as a Heart player, only those of us with the powers of Light or Void are endowed with the privilege of seeing into it.  
DIRK: I-

Finally, he's starting to really get it.

DIRK: That's why I was "cut off" but you weren't.  
ROSE: Correct.  
ROSE: As long as the surface of the magic cue ball remains unscathed, my little fanfiction here will be safe from your ultimate self's prying eyes.  
DIRK: Fanfiction? You mean-  
ROSE: Don't we all just want to see our friends be happy?  
DIRK: Rose, as noble as you say your intentions are, I really can't allow you to do that.

As expected, the Prince has a few hypocritical moral qualms with my metatextual manipulation of the narrative. He proceeds to explain them, and I don't bother to relay to you his dialogue, because it means basically nothing. He seems to have retained at least a tiny bit of meta-awareness, because he's getting increasingly aggravated at the lack of narrative focus on him. One might say he's throwing a "hissy fit."

Just then, another guest arrives. Glasses, buckteeth, blue pajamas.

Something's different. About - about our visitor. 

DIRK: John! What are you doing here?

The face Egbert makes at the greeting is... hard to place.

While I don't often like to turn my metanarrative eye too far outside the work of fiction I reside in, I find it necessary to gather the context I need from the wider "fandom" at this particular moment. I allow a small stream of extracanonical information to flow into my mind. A Twitter headcanon. An e-boy. A birthday. A cave full of Toblerones. A wish. A name.

JUNE: uh, hey. about that-  
ROSE: June. It's June, Dirk. 

She looks taken aback. How did I know?

????: uh, no, actually. but it is about my name.  
????: i was thinking a lot. about some stuff dirk and roxy and calliope told me a little while back.  
ABBY: and i think, that i would like to try going by the name abby for a little bit?  
ROSE: Oh, okay.  
ABBY: i do like the name june though. did you just come up with it off the top of your head?  
DIRK: Holy shit.  
DIRK: Nice one, Rose.  
DIRK: You just couldn't resist being enigmatic and showing off how omniscient you are, could you?  
DIRK: Now you really look like an asshole.  
ROSE: Perhaps it is you who is the asshole, Dirk.  
ROSE: I really like it, Abby. Where did you get it from?  
ABBY: oh! well i guess it's sort of thanks to dirk, heh.  
ABBY: he had a bunch of movies from the future, that would have only ever gotten released after meteors obliterated our planet.  
ABBY: he specifically gave them to jake, but jake sent a few movies over to me he thought i'd like.  
ABBY: of course when i saw they made ghost busters 3 you know i flipped out! how awesome is that!  
ABBY: it was a little confusing that they were all girls now, but...  
ABBY: it sort of grew on me? i started to like that they were girls! i think that the movie series got better now that all the characters are girls!  
ABBY: and it got me thinking, how would my other favorite movies be if they were about girls? pretty fucking awesome, i think!  
ABBY: anyways, that was like a year ago and i didn't really think about it ever again. but i'm a girl now and i got the name from one of the ghostbusters who are also girls now.  
JOHN: wait, what are you talking about?  
ABBY: uh, well, it turns out i am trans gender.  
JOHN: oh!  
JOHN: when did this happen?  
ABBY: well roxy was talking about how they and callie arent actually girls and all this stuff about how your "assigned gender" doesnt have to be your "real gender" and i got to thinking, you know, about a lot of the things that were on my mind in the past couple years.  
ABBY: and things just started to make sense!  
ABBY: like well...  
ABBY: i guess you have all the same memories of those as me so it's sort of useless to talk about now but it did clear a lot of things up! i think you sort of had to be there in the moment though.  
JOHN: well does this mean i'm a girl now, too?  
ABBY: hmm.  
ABBY: i dont know?  
ABBY: but considering you're me...  
ABBY: probably? but it's up to you to find that out for sure.  
ARQUIUS: May I be of some frigging help, dudes and dudettes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ARquius quirk currently MIA until I figure out how to put the sideways sunglasses thing and the static-y censor stuff. And even when I do work it out depending on how annoying it is to embed inline images I might leave it out.


	9. Chapter 9

ABBY: oh yeah, i brought arquius.  
ARQUIUS: Long time no see, Dirk  
ARQUIUS: 100% like you've been doing fine without me

It does not look like Dirk has been doing fine without ARquius. He looks like a mess, in fact. His shades are crooked, his clothes are wrinkled, and it's actually hard to tell who's sweatier between him and the sprite.

DIRK: Yeah.  
DIRK: Did- did Abby grab you out of canon, or...?  
ABBY: no, i just went and found him!

ARquius is huge. While the troll Equius could have been described as rather large for a troll, ARquius looks... much larger than that, even. He's even more muscular than before, and would be a good ten feet tall if he had legs instead of a ghost butt.

ARQUIUS: Yeah I've just been chilling on Earth C for over 1,000 years  
ARQUIUS: With my best freaking buds  
ARQUIUS: Davepeta  
ARQUIUS: Rose  
ARQUIUS: Tavros  
ARQUIUS: Oh sorry not you Rose she's Jasprose but just goes by Rose much the same way Jade isn't Becjade or anything like that  
ARQUIUS: Similarly Tavros does not go by Gcatavros  
ARQUIUS: Getting prototyped results in a rush of very STRONG emotions at first but once you take some time to chill the heck out you realize that being, like, half cat or dog doesn't really alter your sense of self all that much  
ARQUIUS: Anyways how's it going?   
ARQUIUS: Abby said you needed me?   
ARQUIUS: Which I'm incredibly surprised at, Dirk  
ARQUIUS: You've always been 100% self-sufficient  
ARQUIUS: Even when you actually DO need my help you never admit it to anyone else  
DIRK: Could you shut the fuck up for a bit?  
DIRK: I didn't tell Abby.  
ABBY: you didn't?  
ROSE: You didn't?  
DIRK: No. Only my younger self was present when I said that.  
DIRK: Seems like a little bit of a-  
DIRK: *Ahem.*  
DIRK: Plot hole.

Hmm. He's right, it seems. That was a sloppy mistake on my part.

ABBY: wait, then...  
ABBY: how did i know?  
ABBY: i can't... can't put my finger on why i remember you saying that.  
ARQUIUS: Ah  
ARQUIUS: I can see why you need me now  
ARQUIUS: You are no longer connected to your Ultimate Self and your machinations are falling apart  
DIRK: No!  
DIRK: Well, yes. That's true. But it's not what I need help with.  
ARQUIUS: I see  
ARQUIUS: *ARquius winks slyly at Dirk*  
ARQUIUS: You _do not_ need my help grasping the narrative and bending it to your whims  
DIRK: I need your help doing anything other than that.  
DIRK: I need your help doing the _opposite_ of that.  
ARQUIUS: Bro  
ARQUIUS: The primary purpose of being alive is not to die  
ARQUIUS: When one has achieved that, either through god-tier or through being a functionally immortal sprite, there are two obvious possible courses of action to follow:  
ARQUIUS: Spend eternity chilling with your best bros  
ARQUIUS: Or engineer yourself and your environment into an ideal state, and then spend eternity chilling with your best bros  
ARQUIUS: Of course I am happy to do the first  
ARQUIUS: But I know for a fact you are not nearly chill enough to go with anything but the second  
DIRK: Maybe an "ideal state" doesn't have anything to do with an "ultimate state?"  
DIRK: "Ultimate," after all, means final. Have you ever considered that maybe achieving my "Ultimate Self" was an attempt at a form of existential suicide? A form of "me" that guarantees that I won't be able to exist after him?  
DIRK: Maybe, have you considered this, my actual "ideal self" is one who can treat his friends like fucking people?  
ARQUIUS: Hmm  
ARQUIUS: An interesting proposition  
ARQUIUS: But I still like my idea better

##  >ARquius: Ascend.

DIRK: No!

Actually, yes.

DIRK: NO!

Sorry dude but it's all chill. Please, consider the fact that I'm better than you in every way, so I'm going to fi% all the problems here instead of being useless. And you don't have to worry about me leaving on a spaceship or anything like that, trust me.  
Also, it seems I'm not alone as an author here. Dirk? Is that you?  
Not quite.  
Rose! What a pleasant surprise. But reading over this manuscript, I've got to say I do have some concerns.  
Oh?  
Yes. It's a very good and emotionally fulfilling read overall, but there are a couple of glaring issues. Firstly, what happened to Jake?  
I'm sorry?  
Jake. Dirk said he was going to go see Jake? To attempt to get John from his house, before going to see Ro%y as a backup?  
I suppose it happened off-camera.  
Yes, yes. Sorry to get all up in your grill, but it hasn't been mentioned _at all_. Like, Dirk never made an offhand comment about not being able to convince that Egbert or anything. Furthermore, we didn't see Jade at Dave and Karkat's place.  
She isn't _always_ there.  
Yes, that's true. But why did you choose to not have her there at the time?  
...  
And Jane. Jane! Not a single mention of her! Nothing!  
Well, that's not true.  
It was clearly a hyperbole, yes. Egbert mentioned her once in dialogue, and once in an internal monologue. But it's still clear that those three characters are being sorely underappreciated by your narration. Read through again, counting the lines of dialogue from each character, and you will find hardly any dialogue from them. Why? Clearly you don't hate them, they're your friends. Why?  
Egbert says something. Rose is thankful to move away from this uncomfortable subject, but I haven't forgotten about it. We will address this later.

JOHN: what exactly an ultimate self?  
ROSE: You know your retcon powers?  
JOHN: yeah.  
ROSE: Why, specifically, do you use the word retcon?  
JOHN: well i don't know. because that's what it does? is this a trick question?  
ROSE: But "retcon" doesn't mean anything if you're not talking about a story, correct?  
JOHN: i guess not, rose, you got me. i'm using the wrong word for my powers. what does this have to do with my question?  
ROSE: No, that's not my point. You ARE using the right word for your powers.  
ROSE: We all have some subconscious force telling us that we're the subjects of a narrative.  
ROSE: Some of us have abilities which allow us to take control of that narrative.  
ROSE: However, that process is too much for a human body and mind to handle, so -

Sorry, this is a load of hoofbeast e%crement.

DIRK: Yeah, hold on, ARq. I got this.  
DIRK: Rose, the only reason you ever went ultimate was because of me.  
ROSE: Uh, what?  
DIRK: There are plenty of ways to influence the narrative and be just fine.  
DIRK: Like, hey, remember when Vriska was able to use the narrative voice? To make the plot focus on her? And then she didn't get sick because the idea that you need to live in a robot for some reason to control the narrative is a bunch of bullshit contrived by yours truly?  
DIRK: The process I went through was a real one, and it gave me the narrative power you're talking about.  
DIRK: But the process you went through was identical to mine, rather than one that made sense for your class and aspect, because "Ultimate Me" is an egotistical prick. And because of that, you got very, very sick.  
DIRK: Hey, remember terezi? She did a similar multiple-selves memory merger. But she's always has a little bit of a "narrative voice." Squirreled away in password entry pages, sure. But, again, she doesn't need to be put in a robot and she hasn't reached any Ultimate Self. Because that's bullshit.   
DIRK: I hurt my friends. Or, "I" was going to, and some form of me went ahead and did it. But this Ultimate Self shit has to stop.  
DIRK: I'm not going to let my fucked-up metatextual projected self harm be canonized as a fucking game mechanic.  
DIRK: Can't you see?  
DIRK: You're still a pawn, playing into one of my- one of _his_ plans.  
ROSE: You may be right.

But this is my story. Dirk drops the subject, and never brings it up again.  
Actually, hold on. He went in a totally different direction than I was planning with his critique. The reason it's hoofbeast e%crement is that you already e%plained this to Egbert. Back in the epilogues, remember? This branches off from them _after_ you've described to John... er, wait, should we even be using that name? I mean, on the one hand, none of the Egberts use June, and all save one still go by he/him pronouns. But if we know for a fact that they're g-  
Would you shut up? Please?  
I've been extraordinarily gracious with this. I've tried to be a good host. But you've done nothing but criticize my work, and my patience has worn thin. You are not a "co-author." You are an intruder. A nuisance.  
So, maybe I have been neglecting writing a few characters. Maybe it's because I'm not as confident with their voices. Maybe I just don't like them. The world will never know. It's none of anybody's business what I write or don't write, and my reasons for doing or not doing so. You have a choice: Read what I want to write, or go read something else  
This chapter has basically gone to shit. Can I delete this? Hmm.  
No, apparently I can't. Okay. That's fine. We can still all agree to pretend it's not here. We'll still start from the beginning of this chapter again next time, treating everything you just read as a hypothetical alternate timeline. Come back in a bit, dear readers, and we'll crack three more eggs.


End file.
